Chili Dog Nostril & Existential Crisis in the Magic Kingdom

My partner and I are in our third month of citizenship here in Florida and our third month being Orlando Parkhoppers! And we’ve developed the habit of limiting our trips to just a few hours for some unknown reason. Yes, we have tons of work to do getting our new home in order and yes we keep being drawn to our pool like moths to a flame. But this last weekend we set out to break our three hour rut and spend a day in the Magic Kingdom. Here is a report from that trip in photos. And, as usual, there is a snarky caption or two thrown in for good measure.

But first please allow a brief pause for a word from my inner geek. Every photo you are about to see was taken with a fixed focal length 50 mm lens called a prime. And all that gobbledygook basically just means the lens has no zoom. So the only way to make things bigger or smaller in the frame is to walk closer to or farther away from the subject. Not only does a park trip with this kind of limitation make image capture more fun and challenging, it also makes for a much smaller and more portable kit! We now resume your regularly-scheduled trip report.

We were lucky enough to stumble on the Enchanted Tiki Room soft opening the day before the official premier.

Yes we could nit-pick it until we’re blue in the face but the most important thing to remember is a wrong has been righted here, folks.

All the birds sing words and the flowers croon and Gilbert Gottfried is poop outta luck in the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room. As it should be.

For us, summer afternoons are meant for gathering Fast Passes for redemption after dark when the heat breaks and riding attractions with air conditioning! So we followed up the Enchanted Tiki Room with Haunted Mansion, here sporting the addition of a now-common lizard in Florida called an anole. Can you see him there on the side of Leota’s tombstone?

Just another less-than-perfect stop on my quest to take the perfect bat stanchion photo. One day you will be mine, perfect bat stanchion photo. One day you will be mine.

I imagine the day-to-day reality of operating an attraction like HM can be challenging and maybe even tedious. But I get googly-eyed and goosebumped when I think about learning what each and every button and dial on this Cold War-era control panel does. The script printout taped near the microphone says, “Attention Haunted Mansion: Please remain seated in your doombuggies, the ride will being motion immediately.” I understand the need for plain language, especially when making a safety announcement. But might there be a way to say it in a more mansion-appropriate way? Hearing an attraction referred to as a ride while I’m on it kind of makes my heart sink a little. One of my worst-ever memories of a CM was at the end of PoTC last year when a very young, very obnoxious-voice operator literally screamed into the loudspeaker, “Yo ho, yo ho its time to get off the ride!” Daggers. I stared murderous daggers.

The next stop on our quest to stay cool was Small World. You can always tell how long its been since the last rehab by how thick the carpet of coins beneath the water is. Clearly its time.

And if the coins don’t tell the story, look at the dust bunnies and wonky popcorn lights. Do you think the kids notice this stuff? Because dusty magic isn’t magical at all. It is sad and creepy. And remember, I had no zoom. This stuff is at eye level and an arms-length away from guests.

Is the desire for a clean and healthy attraction roster a Quixotic quest? Don and his trusty steed Rocinante say and nay “Sí.”

Even a bit dirty, however, Small World is still totally hippodorable. I just made that word up, by the way. So I guess I should’ve typed “Hippodorable TM (R) (C)”.

Come sing with us forever and ever and ever. Fa-la-la-la-laaaah la la-la-RRRAAAWWWRRR!

Part of the massive new Fantasyland expansion, here is a look at the progress on the facade of “Under the Sea ~ Journey of the Little Mermaid” featuring the spires of what will be Prince Eric’s Castle.

I will caption this photo my merely saying how I appreciate the college program.

Looping back across the hub we pause next to Move It! Shake It! Celebrate It! Street Party to take a photo of what looks like Woody having a spell of the hand cramps. By the way, did you know you can increase the excitement of a mini-parade-thingy by Adding! Exclamation! Points! After! Every! Word! in the Title!?! Because why develop stellar ideas and build innovative floats when punctuation don’t cost a thang, right?

Funny how the youngest on board is the only one who commits wholeheartedly to the experience by throwing his arms in the air. He has clearly gone to his laughing place. Rock on, kid.

Yo ho, yo ho its time to get on the ride.

Please keep your hands, arms, legs and feet inside the boat. They actually say this now. As if I’m going to keep my foot in the boat but, what, stick my knee into the water somehow? Is that what they intend I avoid doing when they distinguish legs as being a separate entity from feet? Sure they’re technically separate but I’m entirely confused as how I’m supposed to stick my freaking legs in the water without first getting my feet wet.

Who? What? Why? I can’t… is that? Huh? I miss squid face.

Sexiest pirate ever. There. I said it.

I finally took a photo of the final Jack AA that doesn’t look like a glassy-eyed zombie.

Our cities should be filled with speedramps, monorails and peoplemovers dangit! Now that would create a job or two. Just saying.

Nighttime descends and Tomorrowland comes to life. They were actually distributing Fastpasses for Stitch believe it or not. Were I more civic minded I would’ve stationed myself in front of that bank of ticket machines and warned people how getting a Fastpass for Stitch’s Great Escape may lead to abdominal cramps, dizziness, face planting, chili dog nostril and existential crisis.

The Space Mountain Fastpass line looks longer here than the Standby… but nearer to boarding the Standby line hid five or six switchbacks the FP line didn’t include that night. Whew!

“Space Mountain, Bitches!”

Cleared for blastoff!

Greasy, fuzzy and yet a thing of mechanical and graphic beauty.

It was a one-eyed, two-armed sitting metal people, uh… pleaser, I guess?

I want to go to there! Clearly those inverted half-domes with four red lights each were meant to be landing pads. But I wonder why the artist(s) didn’t include some sort of spacecraft docked and/or about to land on at least one?

If you’ve had your fill of magic and don’t have it in you to close the place down I highly recommend exiting just as the first Electrical Parade starts around 9:00 PM. Lightly-crowded monorail, empty courtesy shuttles, no traffic on the way out! A nice, easy way to go home.